Being with you lights a piece of my soul
on fire
with desire and longing.
The other half is pleasantly at peace
because I have finally found someone
who loves me just as much
as I love them.

Safe place.

My feelings for you, right in the moment, are complicated.  Sometimes I dislike you and the things you do; but I always have to remember that it is the little things you do that made me fall in love with you.

You are absolutely wonderful and also entirely infuriating.  I would never dare to say that what we have is any kind of fairy tale love, but it works for us.  You are my eternal sunshine, the place I can go when nothing is going right.

You are my safe place.

On self esteem and growing up

I have grown up in a world that is shallow.  Media demands perfection, has demanded perfection my entire life.  When I was younger, it was about who had the coolest new items; now it is about what size pants you can fit into.  I'm sure that my loving boyfriend, father and friends have watched me have a multiple breakdowns about my weight, my size and the fact that I am NOT a size four and probably never will be.

I was told, maybe indirectly, that being myself was NEVER good enough.  Ironically, I was told that being unique and being myself is what I should do, but only if it pleased others.  After all, I am a girl.  I am here to be aesthetically pleasing to the boys that never gave a damn about me.  

Even other girls are judgemental, even myself.  I was picked on when I was younger because I had no choice in the clothes I wore.  Two popular girls decided that I was going to be the target to their "popularity".  They pulled my skirt up only to expose what they laughed at as my "granny panties".  TO my knowledge, 10 year old girls weren't exactly wearing thongs yet.  

My point, is that, people tell me I have no reason to have self esteem issues. There are days that I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror without hating every inch of what I see.  I get told that I'm "beautiful" but I have a very hard time believing it when the girls that actually get looked at are girls that watch every calorie and will never reach a size larger than 6.

The first time I saw you, you were astounding. A thing of aesthetic angles, lines.
and I was drowning in alcohol and feelings.
You were refreshing, like a cold drink of water or perhaps an ocean breeze.
and maybe that's what triggered my need, my want for you.

You seemingly picked me up and carried me home.
and I was lost again, without your lips. I craved you.
Needed the feeling of leather and skin.
Needed you.
Still need you.
To revive me and carry me home.

Issues

I take things too much for granted.  While I'm typing this, I mean that I take my better half, for granted.  Way too much.  Sure, sometimes he does almost nothing all day and leaves me with a sink full of dishes, (not always, sometimes he bucks up and does them) but I always forget to tell myself that doing the dishes is nothing in comparison to the amount of happiness, joy and love I receive from him. 

I suppose what I mean to say is that I have never been in a relationship where someone loves me, flaws and all.  I had always been told that I was not good enough, that I was not as pretty as other girls, that I wasn't on the right "path" for God, or that I was crazy.  

You've never said any of that to me.  Even when I insist that I am fat or chubby or heavy or whathaveyou, you always disagree. You always point out the parts of me that I don't find attractive.  You do all of this for me. I find that incredible. I find it amazing that you eat the food I make, even if it isn't always...good.  I find it awe-inspiring that you come home from work and you treat me like a person, even when you had a bad day.  (I also find that very saddening, as I hardly do the same for you.)  

Quite simply put, you really are my better half, and I love you.

I'm in trouble

You know those fights that you start where you know it's stupid
and then you keep fighting about it
even when you know you're overreacting
but you don't want to look like a crazy overprotective significant other?
And even though you feel bad you can't help but keep making terrible comments
until it gets completely out of hand.

I'm excellent in that area.

I don't believe in coincidence.  

I believe that every little thing happens for some specific reason. 

That people die to make others realize how wasteful they are with life.

That some people become crazy, that some people are born crazy.

I like to believe that every little thing that goes wrong is supposed to happen.

To make us stronger, smarter and wiser.

I believe that meeting you wasn't a coincidence.

You make me braver and smarter,

and sometimes angrier than I ever have been,

and you make me learn from all the little things

that go wrong.

Maybe fate,

at least the concept,

is ridiculous.

But I think fate had something to do

with you and me. 

Because without you, 

as a person, there are parts of

me that would have been lost 

in my most recent and difficult trials.

and I can't thank fate enough for that.

I do not think there is a universe where I can exist without you.

Just wanted to say that Doug Draper is the best boyfriend ever and I think he's great. :)

Good for me

There are a lot of things that are bad for me in this life.  Some of them are inevitable, some are by choice.  Sometimes, the situations in our lives can seem like bad things when they turn against us.

You, of all people, are not bad for me. You are the opposite of terrible for me, as a person.  You are good for me.  You make me stop and realize that it is not all about the big picture. That there is more to the story than the end result, and for that, you are good for me.  Happiness wasn't easily found before you. That makes you good for me.  You make me laugh and remember that the world isn't all that bad.  That makes you good for me.

Fact is, you're not bad for me, you've never been bad for me.  I don't think I could love a person like I love you if you were bad for me.  

coffee

I crave you like the coffee that keeps me awake,
and it is very unexplainable.
In the same way, you linger
your taste on my lips;
a bitter memory of a burning flavor.

Sleep.

I enjoy laying next to you while you fall asleep, 

watching your breathing calm and your face relax.

Often it makes me smile because when you're sleeping;

you appear younger and more peaceful;

much like a child.

little connections.

There are so many things that makes a person an individual. 

Each person's senses and personality make them completely unique from every other human being in existence; and if you were to really stop and think about it, all of those combinations are mindblowing.

At the same time, it's great that everyone can enjoy a multitude of various things and be friends with people who don't like all of those same things simutaneously.

If I were to describe to you my best friend, I would tell you that she is gentle and soft.  She loves to dance and used to love volleyball.  She likes the smell of roses and thinks that a blue rose is the prettiest of all flowers.  She likes the color blue and enjoys horses and fictional books about creatures that are undiscovered (and likely unreal about this world).

On the other hand, if I were to desribe myself in comparison to what I've said about her I would say that I am awkward and quiet hard-headed.  I love to draw and would rather kick a ball with my feet; rather than my hands.  I love the smell of lilacs and I adore sunflowers.  I am partial to the color purple, but I also love horses.  I enjoy the same books she does.

In many ways, my best friend and I are nothing like each other.  Often, our beliefs clash and we disagree with the other's thoughts. But the little things that are similar between us hold us together; which is probably the same with every relationship I have in life.  It's simply ironic that the little connections in life hold all the people together; little connections that mean so much to some and then mean so little to another.  

Interesting News

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything of great value or meaning and there are many world wide events happening that I think are pretty interesting (or at least important.)

Of course I'm going to the New York Times, because that's where I always go to learn about current events that are occurring around the world.

• Riots in Turkey have caused a great uproar in the news recently. The Turkish people seem to be rioting against their government and have caused a vast unrest among the country of Turkey.  Here's a more recent article. -> Turkish Riots

• A art piece, in form of a play, called  "Roadkill" is making headlines about the terrors of human trafficking.  If you don't know about human trafficking, you're not living in the present.  It is a large and ever growing problem in the country and around the world.  Here's the article from the NYT  -> Roadkill

Here's some facts about human trafficking according to the Polaris Project

• 27 million people are "modern-day" slaves around the world
• 70% of any women that gets abducted into trafficking is involved in the sex trafficking "industry."
• Here's a sad statistic: The average age that a person enters into prostituions is between the ages of 12 to 14.

So long, Hartwick.

With my first and only school year at Hartwick college coming to an end, I find it relatively easy to reflect on what a great time I have had here; despite its difficulties. First, I have met some amazing friends and people, in general. My roommate is one of the most inspirational, fun and beautiful human beings I have had the pleasure to meet. Abbie, despite our few falling outs, is also one of the few people that made Hartwick a great experience. My work study boss, Gary, along with a few friends from work, made my first college year incredible and I'm so happy that I got to meet such happy and positive people. It will be sad leaving Hartwick, but it is certainly my place back home. Memories will never fade and I can honestly say that(even though I have said multiple times that I hated it here) these memories; the nights out, exploring a new town, an amazing road trip and spring break; will always make me smile. With that, I suppose it is so long to Hartwick on Wednesday and a happy goodbye to Oneonta.

"I know how you feel."

No, actually, I have no clue at all how you feel.

I have no idea what it is like to be you or to understand precisely how you feel.

I have never experienced anything quite the same as you have.

Telling you that "I know how you feel" is similar to say that I know how a bird feels when it is flying in the air (that is, after I've flown in a plane.)

But do I really know how a bird experiences flying?  Not at all.  I can imagine what it might be like and how it must feel, but I can never truly understand what it is like to be a bird.

Why?  Well, because of something called a "consciousness."  Surprisingly, even with advanced modern science, humans have no way to measure a conscious state of mind.  Sure, I can understand how someone else's body works in a physical manner.  I can even understand what part of the mind experiences pain.  But I cannot experience that persons pain and react the exact same way, in regards to consciousness, as they do.  

Revloution-Revalation

I think that your first love is especially hard to get over in a lot of ways.  In my case, those ways are like a lot of other people's first loves. You loved them, or you think you loved them.  In some cases, you gave way too much for way too little.  In my case, you love a person that isn't who you thought they were.  In any case, moving on from a first love, especially one where you are not in any type of control of your own self, is a difficult task.

I try to think how long it's been since things went bad way back when, but I always have to tell myself it isn't worth it.  But there are always little reminders. A necklace that you can't throw away because it signifys a little more that a relationship. A ring that you hold on to, even though it is broken.  Memories that don't fade with time.

Is it worth holding onto those things?  No, probably not.  

After a lot of time and a lot of thinking, you think I would have put the past behind me.  It's hard to do.  Someday, it will happen.  There will be a day where I don't look back and cringe with disgust; at myself and the other person.  Today is not that day.  Tomorrow doesn't look so good either.  But someday.

Luckily, I have someone in my life that helps me get through the bad memories.  Someone who helps me understand that my past certainly does not define me in any manner; that someone else's opinon of me does not affect me as a person.  He helps me move past the anger, the sadness, the insecurity that I have because of the past.

Am I over my first love?  You bet.  
Am I over the emotional damage that happened?  Not quite yet.

I'm empty like the beer my mother drank before she really thought it through.
Empty like my brother's heart, who seems sad beyond control.
Empty like the house my father will sleep in, because he can't seem to keep a relationship.
Empty like my emotions because I can't hold everyone together.