thoughts and junk

Senior class things seemed to have calmed down again...

now I just have to write my speech, and that's going to be a bit nerve racking,

but so be it.

I'm terrified for graduation and moving to college,

for many reasons, of course.

1. I've lived in the same house for the entirety of my life.
2. I won't know anyone at college, at least for a few days.
3. I'm terrified people will think I'm weird or something.
4. I'm terrified that things will happen to my father while I'm gone.
5. I don't want to lose my best friend.
6. I'm scared to leave my mother behind.
7. other reasons that involve a certain someone. :l

I'm excited for college because..

1. I can do pretty much what I want without having to worry about my father's disapproval.
2. I get to meet new people.
3. I can explore new stuff! :D

errr.

Hmm.

This will be short and sweet, mostly because I do not have the words to describe how I'm feeling.

Uhm, well. Where to start?

I am terribly in love with the most gorgeous human being I know.

and, I don't think I could honestly be happier.

That's all.

<3 

Graduation!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I got my super cute graduation announcements today, and they are super duper awesome!

I'm quite pleased, because they don't look like anyone else's, and that's the way I wanted them.

Since I'm unique and shit.

behehehehe. :3

Grimace.

Grimace with the pain, my dear.

It's just another day, my dear.

It is quite a shame, I hear,

that you weren't born prettier.

Cut your hair and change you ways, my dear.

It's what we've all been saying, my dear.

before they all sneer,

at the way you appear.

Oh look at that smile, my dear.

so beautiful and perfect, my dear.

on the inside I bet you cheer,

my dear.

It is quite a shame, my dear.

you're life was so perfect, my dear.

Living like a barbie on this sphere,

but you jumped in front of a truck, I hear,

and on the road your body parts smear,

my dear...

Oh, there you are winter!

It is April 23rd.

That's right!

April.

Usually the saying goes: "April showers bring May flowers."

but again, mother nature decided to say "FUCK THE NORM!" and decided to snow.

Don't tell anyone, but I think mother nature is beginning to go hipster. 

Death and Destruction

My mother called me again tonight.

I have almost lost hope for the woman, as days go by.

Tonight, my mother told me goodbye. 

And not goodbye as in "I'll see you tomorrow"

or "I'll see you in a month, after I get out of rehab",

but "goodbye, I'm going to kill myself."

and I honestly couldn't handle that.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't cry.

Speechless. Especially to think that life was so horrible for my mother that she would commit such a selfish crime against herself.

She hung up before I could tell her that I loved her.

Thankfully, she was picked up by the police and sent back to the hospital.

This time, with a security guard, because the last three times?

She signed herself out.

Alcoholism is a disease.

I'm beginning to realize that now. 

Drunk.

I picked my mother up on the side of the road today.

She was drunk. Very, very drunk.

Sadly, she had just gotten out of the hospital for relapsing. 

twice in three days.

There's a three month cycle she goes through.

and I'm helpless. I have no say.

I can't help her, but I can be there for her. 

So, if you would, pray for her. Lord knows that she needs it.

Bandwagons are tough.

 Alcohol is a drug.  It can be addictive. It can kill people.  It can tear families apart. 

I am a person.  I always thought that alcohol wasn't a drug and that it wouldn't affect me in any way, shape or form.

My mother is an alcoholic.  She recently came back into my life. Things were going good for her.  She has a job, a boyfriend, an apartment, and my brother and me.

Alcohol, when some one is addicted to it, is devastating.  It  is a scary angry barking dog at your backdoor, and at night you open the door assuming the dog won't bite you when it awakens.  Alcohol makes happy people sad, while only making the sad appear happy.

Alcohol is an enemy to families. An enemy to happiness. 

Mom, I love you. I love you more than you could ever know.  I want you to be healthy and happy and drug free.  I want you to do more with your life than this. I know you can and I believe in you.  I know that staying on the sober bandwagon is tough, but I know that you can do it.  You should know that Tony loves you, too.  No matter what the alcohol makes you think.  He understands. I understand.

I love you. No matter what.                                             

PA FBLA SLC!

Pennsylvania's Future Business Leaders of America Student Leader Conference was absolutely amazing! 

None of our 7 state members placed in the top 10, but I am all very proud of them and how they did.

In the picture above, I am with the one and only Ryan Belz.  He is our FBLA chapter President, and I do not honestly think I could have gotten this far through the year without him.  He is also the treasurer for senior class (but he does the more work than anyone.)  Ryan made this year great, wonderful and awesome. I've never met anyone so enthusiastic about life!

We even made it on the big screen at the conference! :D

Words.

The sentence that goes like this: "I can live without you", can be terrifying and saddening. 

but pair them with this: "but I prefer not to", turns the sentence into a completely different thing.

"I can live without you; but I prefer not to." That is something I am okay with hearing everyday for a long time.

or perhaps: "I think I'm pretty booked for the next year with this girl".  That might even be better.

You know what even sounds better? 

"Hey, come here, I've got a secret to tell you."

"what?"

 "I love you."

Insomnia, for a night.

Here's a fun fact about me.

I'm terrified of zombies. Really. I couldn't even watch Zombie Land because I freaked out and made whoever I was watching it with change the movie. 

And so, today, after the senior car wash, I decided, well, heck, my face got sun burnt, I stayed up until 2 a.m that morning, I'm gonna take a nap.

All was well and awesome until my brain decided to be like this:

"Hahahaha, nap, you? Fuuuuck no! Zombie attack!"

And I woke up crying and scared, probably because I couldn't figure out if i was actually dreaming or not anymore.

I fucking hate zombies. Uhg.

Yup. So.

I can't sleep.

fucking zombies.

bleh.

Yours.

There's a certain look you use when you think I'm not looking.

but sometimes I catch your blue eyes staring, 

and my breathing falters.

yours.

There's a certain way you make me feel.

and it's crazy to think,

that you might feel the same.

yours.

I hope you know I'm scared as hell.

and every time you say "I love you",

I get these cute little butterflies.

yours.

Tickle.

I love having tickle fights.

Really.

Especially with this guy I happen to be with a lot.

He thinks he wins, but he doesn't. 

He only has a slight advantage over me, and that is the fact that I am slightly more tickilish that he is. 

SWAG - Not what you think.

S.W.A.G - Saved With Amazing Grace.

I don't know if you guys who read this know, but I am a Christian.

This is something I am proud of, to say that I know Jesus Christ.

On the contrary, I don't believe in Religion because I believe it was created to make people behave.

This video says exactly how I feel about religion, and every time I watch it, I get mad goosebumps.

Now, I am no innocent person, but that's why I need Jesus in my life, as my savior.

I am a sinner by nature, because I am human.

I make mistakes but I ask for forgiveness, for hopes that someday, I will not be sentenced to eternity in hell.

And if you must know, I don't believe in the Bible, because it was written and re-written by  man a thousand times over.  

I get arguments from people asking me how I can be a real christian when I don't believe in religion or the bible and my response now is: I believe in Jesus, I love Jesus, and I accept Jesus. And the cool thing? He believes in me, he loves me, and he accepts me for who I am.  He lives in me and through me.