So bored

Physics of everyday objects is boring me to sleep. Good thing tomorrow is my last day of class and tomorrow I will be home. Can't wait.

It seems almost official.

I've been absolutely stressed out of my mind lately.

I can't sleep. I have a constant headache because I can't sleep. I can't pay attention because I have a constant headache because I can't sleep. I'm sure you get the picture I'm paiting here.

I need a good stress reliever and very very soon.

I learned today that I would only need a high 80 on the final exam for my physics to get an "A", so at least that is some good news.

On the other hand, I find it saddening that next semester will be my last at Hartwick and it is breaking my poor little heart. I love it so much here and I can't imagine leaving to go to Mansfield.  I mean, I miss home all the time and I miss my family, friends and my boyfriend, but missing Hartwick is also going to suck.

On the positive side of things, I'll be closer to home and probably actually living at home. 

I desperately hope that it doesn't mess up any of my relationships (i.e. boyfriend, father, mother, friends)

I'll be able to actually have a job.

I won't have to be so lonely.

I might be able to be more social.

On the downside?

I'm going to be that girl who moves back home because she can't afford to go to the college that she really likes and really doesn't want to leave. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like that, I just can't see myself being able to support myself finacially after college with 22k of student loans a year that will double with interest. 

This situation just all kind of sucks. 

Those Odd Things About Me.

Ever have those things that are completely normal to you but completely fucking weird for other people?

(who are you kidding, of course you do.)

Most aren't usually anything others would notice if they weren't close to you in any way.  Some make you come off like a conceited or self absorbed person.  Some make you look like you are absolutely the biggest nerd in this universe.  

I have a few and they are very... odd things about me:

• In a public bathroom, I will choose the second stall every time (circumstances allowing)
• I will say sorry after almost everything if I feel that I am making you go out of your way. (Tonight, some man held a door open for me and instead of saying "thank you" I said "I'm so sorry.")
• I have the tendency to look at myself very often. Not because I'm infatuated with myself, but because I have constantly feel the need to make sure I don't have some alien like pimple growing on my head.

What are Great Moments?

My roommate and I were talking about our relationships with our boyfriends, both whom live away from us while we live together at college.  While talking, she said that there weren't many "great moments" anymore with them and that most of the time they fought.

I thought about it for a moment and then asked her what she meant by "great moments."  Her response was that, to her, great moments were the fun times when they were doing something together besides just sitting or laying around.  

But, what are great moments? 

To me, in my relationship, great moments are where we can sit and lay around with each other;

(although, it is nice to do something once in awhile, I'll agree with my roommate.)

where he can show me what he's been doing on minecraft while I've been away;

where I get to be big spoon;

where talking about the future isn't scary, but something to look forward to;

where I get to try something new because of the relationship (even if, at first, I am a big cry baby because I'm no good at it. *cough cough* snowboarding *cough*);

where we fight but eventually work it out.

My "great moment" in my relationship?

I get to go home to someone who makes me happy and I think that is incredible. 

Dreary

It has been my first whole day back at Hartwick and I'm pretty sure that I'm already homesick.

I spent three amazing weeks at home.

thee amazing weeknights where I got to sleep next to the person I adore the most.

Then I had to be ripped away so I could come back to college for a month.

asdfjkl;

The only reason it is so frustrating is becuase I really don't mind the classes.

I just really hate sleeping alone.

It is so cold and lonely and restless.

I already miss cuddling.

First Semester.

It is almost the end of my first semester in college and I have to say that it is certainly not what I expected.

The classes are not as hard as I was told they would be.

The social scene is not what I thought it would be (but then again, I go to a very small, private college).

but I've made a few good friends that are really great.

I lucked out on my roommate and that was something I was really concerned about.

My relationship with my boyfriend back home hasn't fallen apart, and I'm grateful for that, everyday.

My relationship with my parents is less stressed than it used to be, and that is also something I am thankful for.

I have also conjured a relationship with the lady who cleans Anderson everyday.

I only see her every other day, but I always stop to talk to her.

She is incredibly sweet and always talks about the weather.

She hates snow.

Her name is Mina, but I'm not sure how you would pronounce it.

(Meeeena? or Miiina)

Either or, I like her very much.

I have taken to drinking my coffee with creamer and hardly ever drink it black anymore.

I always feel like my Econ professor is always directing most of his conversation and lecture to me.

Maybe it's because I hold eye contact instead of being distracted.

Or maybe it's because he thinks I look odd.

We'll never know.

I think I may have a slight case of overachievement issues.

For example, today, I have an art history quiz that I would be able to skip, because she throws out your lowest grade. (in essence, you can take the first five and skip the sixth without it hurting your grade) 

My lowest grade is a 18 and a half out of 20.

Which is a 92.7? or 92.5.

Either way, that's pretty decent.

But I thought, if I could do just a little bit better on my last quiz, I could throw out that other one.

In other news, there is a dance show called Orchisis going on in Slade Theatre that I have to set up for and I'm also looking quite forward to seeing the show. It's free, so I might as well, you know?

Seems like I need to post more often so my posts aren't quite so long.

Going out?

Sure.

sunshine.

Today, I took the chance and sat outside for a bit because it is absolutely gorgeous out.
There is sunshine and it's mildly warm.

It makes me miss summer.
and reminds me that I don't want winter to come.

You.

There are times that I look back and wonder how in the world I got to be with you.

The beginnings of our relationship are like a dream to me.  Fuzzy moments and moments of happiness.  

Some parts were like nightmares, I was confused and not sure where to go or what I wanted.

And yet, out of everything, I seem to have no recollection of how I came to be with you in such a short time.

It is no lie that I wanted you from the beginning.

I mean, I really wanted you.

I think part of that was fear of being alone.

and other parts were part of wanting a rebound.

but most of it was the fact that I really liked you.

for a lot of reasons.

You're smart and funny.

and gorgeous beyond all means.

Besides that,

things and time have moved so fast.

Sometimes it feels like I just met you, at that party.

and sometimes it feels as if I've known you for ages. 

I've loved almost every minute of it. 

Of us.

I used to wonder if a relationship that started the ways ours did can really make it.

can really develop into something more than lust and longing.

But it can, and we do. 

We just work together for some unknown reason.

Somehow, I found you.

even under circumstances that may have not been great.

and I'm glad for that.

I have my moments..

I've never been happy with my body. 

There is just so much that could be different and better.

I've dreamed and dreamed and dreamed of being perfect that I often lose track of what really matters.

I always forget that healthy is good and too skinny is bad. 

I always want to strive for the too skinny.

I want that. 

I don't want to be an average weight.

Fuck.

I used to wonder

I used to wonder where the hell I fit in to all of this crazy mess that people call life.

and I've recently realized that there are three types of people in this world.

Those who need acceptance. (they try to damn hard)

Those who naturally fit in. (a seemingly natural people person)

and people like me, who usually just float. (usually.)

I don't have a place. I don't have a select "clique"

I like people who are nice

they don't have to like the same things.

they don't have to have the same views.

I'm just a floater.

I go along with whomever is around at the time.

I'm friends with anyone who would like to be friends.

and... I guess there is nothing wrong with being a floater.

red (:

Sometimes I'm too tired to move.

I want to be in a warm cuddly bed with a warm cuddly body.

Bah.

LAAAAME

I'MSOLAME. OHMYGOD.

I remember the day I fell in love with you.

I remember that day.

I don't know the dates, or the exact conversation.

but I fell in love with you on your couch.

Laying down, the two of us squished somewhat comfortably on that little leather thing.

I was on the inside, and like most of the time, we were facing each other.

You said something, and I smiled.

and I all of the sudden was completely and madly in love with you (not that I wasn't falling before then).

I became so nervous that I was literally shivering.

so nervous.

sweaty palms.

fast heartbeat.

I wanted to tell you so bad.

but I was so afraid that you wouldn't feel the same.

and so, I spelled it out, in sign language. 

a few times.

and when you asked,

I told you.

I remember that the first time I said it, you didn't say it back to me

and I was so scared that you thought I was some stupid young girl who had misjudged her feelings.

I felt like crying. but I didn't. 

I left, but I knew, positively that I loved you.

accompished

I worked out today.

literally.

sweat dripping off my face.

then took a great shower.

and then I learned how to braid my hair! 

whooooop!

this life is anything but perfect.

Sometimes, I'm terrified that things like this don't last forever.
That I'm going to lose the person that I love more than anything.
and I don't want that.
it scares me sometimes.
because things seem so perfect.
and we get along, so well.

I'm just wondering what's going to go miserably wrong.
because, let's be honest, life has a way of throwing huge obstacles at the most blissful of moments.

fuck this early morning shit.

The alarm I set on my phone goes off.  My eyes snap open and then I almost immediately close them.  I groan with displeasure.  It is way too early to be dragging myself out of bed.  I sit up, hitting my head on my celing and lay back down.  I mutter a curse under my breath and rub my sleepy eyes with balled fists.  Streching my legs to touch the opposite wall, I consider the day.  

Lots to do today.  I groggily jump down to my desk and then one more little hop to the floor.  After collecting my toothbrush, hairbrush and other items, I head to the bathroom. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I'm astonished that I don't look like death, becasue I certainly feel like it.  

Walk, or rather stumble back to my room, manage to stab my contacts into my eyes.  I decide that it's not too much of  a hassel and try to manage to put some upper eyeliner on. Mistaken about the hassel, my hand is not corrdinated enough to make cute smooth lines. My makeup is clumpy, but I'm too tired to take it off and try again. I just leave it. I look at myself again, just to make sure I don't look like I applied my makeup on in a drunken stupor.  My eyes are drawn to the two red blothes that have made a temporary home on my neck.  I almost decide to cover them, but I realize that the attempt would be futile.  Whats a hickey on a college campus anyway?

Get dressed. Putting on skinny jeans also happens to be a hassel in the morning, but I do it anyway.  Time is running short, and I know it's cold outside, but I have no time for sneakers.  Flip flops it is.  I regret the decision about 10 feet from my dorm room.  My toes freeze over and I feel like I've landed in Antartica.  No time to go back, I just have to keep on treking.  

Walk to Golisano. Walk up steps.  Go to class. 

I'm confused at first because no one is there at first and I'm never the first one there.

Someone shows up.  Neither of us can figure out the lights, so we just sit in the dark.

Quietly, I think to myself "fuck this early morning shit."

Sunday night bummmmers.

College is still good. Got to spend the weekend with my boyfriend, which was amazing.

It was only 10 days since I'd last saw him, but it felt like forever.

Gosh. I don't know how I don't die.

He's... like a necessity. More than two weeks and I think I'd die without seeing him.

haha.

Felt like Writing.

                   It's Monday morning and my breathe makes little clouds that wisp away from the second they touch the cold air. For a moment, I wish I could lie in the comforts of my warm bed instead of going to class, but I'm already far enough from my residence hall that the thought of going back was invaluable to me. I keep to myself today, not saying good morning to the people coming back from breakfast.  I usually look at the ground anyway.  It just seems safer to keep my eyes fixated on the cold concrete than to make eye contact.  That does indeed seem quite dangerous, especially for a Monday morning. I don't have to walk too far this morning, so my mood isn't affected by the chill of the late September air.  For added affect, I'm carrying a thermos of hot peppermint tea, which is keeping my hands warm. 

                 The thermos makes me smile as I look down at it, considering to take a sip, if I dare test the hotness of the liquid inside. It's cute, and maybe a bit childish in design, but I adore it.  Both for the fact that my mother gifted it to me as a warming present, and because it is themed after her favorite cartoon,  Snoopy.    It's not the most beautiful thing, but it makes me think of my mother. It makes me miss her, as well.  I pass a slow traveler as I make my way to class, and I feel as if I'm on the highway, passing cars that are slowing me down.  She doesn't seem to mind, because in fact, she says nothing to me and keeps walking on her way to where ever she may be going at eight o clock in the morning.  

              I don't mind early classes, because hardly anyone is out and walking around.  Plus, the morning sunrise is especially beautiful here in the fall.  Today, two clouds seemed to split two heavens above the earth.  It was glorious in some terms, but it was short lived.  In the time it took me to walk to class, the lower clouds had disinegrated into the far off mountains, creating a mist that made them seem even farther away.