On self esteem and growing up

I have grown up in a world that is shallow.  Media demands perfection, has demanded perfection my entire life.  When I was younger, it was about who had the coolest new items; now it is about what size pants you can fit into.  I'm sure that my loving boyfriend, father and friends have watched me have a multiple breakdowns about my weight, my size and the fact that I am NOT a size four and probably never will be.

I was told, maybe indirectly, that being myself was NEVER good enough.  Ironically, I was told that being unique and being myself is what I should do, but only if it pleased others.  After all, I am a girl.  I am here to be aesthetically pleasing to the boys that never gave a damn about me.  

Even other girls are judgemental, even myself.  I was picked on when I was younger because I had no choice in the clothes I wore.  Two popular girls decided that I was going to be the target to their "popularity".  They pulled my skirt up only to expose what they laughed at as my "granny panties".  TO my knowledge, 10 year old girls weren't exactly wearing thongs yet.  

My point, is that, people tell me I have no reason to have self esteem issues. There are days that I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror without hating every inch of what I see.  I get told that I'm "beautiful" but I have a very hard time believing it when the girls that actually get looked at are girls that watch every calorie and will never reach a size larger than 6.

The first time I saw you, you were astounding. A thing of aesthetic angles, lines.
and I was drowning in alcohol and feelings.
You were refreshing, like a cold drink of water or perhaps an ocean breeze.
and maybe that's what triggered my need, my want for you.

You seemingly picked me up and carried me home.
and I was lost again, without your lips. I craved you.
Needed the feeling of leather and skin.
Needed you.
Still need you.
To revive me and carry me home.

Issues

I take things too much for granted.  While I'm typing this, I mean that I take my better half, for granted.  Way too much.  Sure, sometimes he does almost nothing all day and leaves me with a sink full of dishes, (not always, sometimes he bucks up and does them) but I always forget to tell myself that doing the dishes is nothing in comparison to the amount of happiness, joy and love I receive from him. 

I suppose what I mean to say is that I have never been in a relationship where someone loves me, flaws and all.  I had always been told that I was not good enough, that I was not as pretty as other girls, that I wasn't on the right "path" for God, or that I was crazy.  

You've never said any of that to me.  Even when I insist that I am fat or chubby or heavy or whathaveyou, you always disagree. You always point out the parts of me that I don't find attractive.  You do all of this for me. I find that incredible. I find it amazing that you eat the food I make, even if it isn't always...good.  I find it awe-inspiring that you come home from work and you treat me like a person, even when you had a bad day.  (I also find that very saddening, as I hardly do the same for you.)  

Quite simply put, you really are my better half, and I love you.

I'm in trouble

You know those fights that you start where you know it's stupid
and then you keep fighting about it
even when you know you're overreacting
but you don't want to look like a crazy overprotective significant other?
And even though you feel bad you can't help but keep making terrible comments
until it gets completely out of hand.

I'm excellent in that area.

I don't believe in coincidence.  

I believe that every little thing happens for some specific reason. 

That people die to make others realize how wasteful they are with life.

That some people become crazy, that some people are born crazy.

I like to believe that every little thing that goes wrong is supposed to happen.

To make us stronger, smarter and wiser.

I believe that meeting you wasn't a coincidence.

You make me braver and smarter,

and sometimes angrier than I ever have been,

and you make me learn from all the little things

that go wrong.

Maybe fate,

at least the concept,

is ridiculous.

But I think fate had something to do

with you and me. 

Because without you, 

as a person, there are parts of

me that would have been lost 

in my most recent and difficult trials.

and I can't thank fate enough for that.

I do not think there is a universe where I can exist without you.

Just wanted to say that Doug Draper is the best boyfriend ever and I think he's great. :)

Good for me

There are a lot of things that are bad for me in this life.  Some of them are inevitable, some are by choice.  Sometimes, the situations in our lives can seem like bad things when they turn against us.

You, of all people, are not bad for me. You are the opposite of terrible for me, as a person.  You are good for me.  You make me stop and realize that it is not all about the big picture. That there is more to the story than the end result, and for that, you are good for me.  Happiness wasn't easily found before you. That makes you good for me.  You make me laugh and remember that the world isn't all that bad.  That makes you good for me.

Fact is, you're not bad for me, you've never been bad for me.  I don't think I could love a person like I love you if you were bad for me.  

coffee

I crave you like the coffee that keeps me awake,
and it is very unexplainable.
In the same way, you linger
your taste on my lips;
a bitter memory of a burning flavor.

Sleep.

I enjoy laying next to you while you fall asleep, 

watching your breathing calm and your face relax.

Often it makes me smile because when you're sleeping;

you appear younger and more peaceful;

much like a child.

little connections.

There are so many things that makes a person an individual. 

Each person's senses and personality make them completely unique from every other human being in existence; and if you were to really stop and think about it, all of those combinations are mindblowing.

At the same time, it's great that everyone can enjoy a multitude of various things and be friends with people who don't like all of those same things simutaneously.

If I were to describe to you my best friend, I would tell you that she is gentle and soft.  She loves to dance and used to love volleyball.  She likes the smell of roses and thinks that a blue rose is the prettiest of all flowers.  She likes the color blue and enjoys horses and fictional books about creatures that are undiscovered (and likely unreal about this world).

On the other hand, if I were to desribe myself in comparison to what I've said about her I would say that I am awkward and quiet hard-headed.  I love to draw and would rather kick a ball with my feet; rather than my hands.  I love the smell of lilacs and I adore sunflowers.  I am partial to the color purple, but I also love horses.  I enjoy the same books she does.

In many ways, my best friend and I are nothing like each other.  Often, our beliefs clash and we disagree with the other's thoughts. But the little things that are similar between us hold us together; which is probably the same with every relationship I have in life.  It's simply ironic that the little connections in life hold all the people together; little connections that mean so much to some and then mean so little to another.  

Interesting News

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything of great value or meaning and there are many world wide events happening that I think are pretty interesting (or at least important.)

Of course I'm going to the New York Times, because that's where I always go to learn about current events that are occurring around the world.

• Riots in Turkey have caused a great uproar in the news recently. The Turkish people seem to be rioting against their government and have caused a vast unrest among the country of Turkey.  Here's a more recent article. -> Turkish Riots

• A art piece, in form of a play, called  "Roadkill" is making headlines about the terrors of human trafficking.  If you don't know about human trafficking, you're not living in the present.  It is a large and ever growing problem in the country and around the world.  Here's the article from the NYT  -> Roadkill

Here's some facts about human trafficking according to the Polaris Project

• 27 million people are "modern-day" slaves around the world
• 70% of any women that gets abducted into trafficking is involved in the sex trafficking "industry."
• Here's a sad statistic: The average age that a person enters into prostituions is between the ages of 12 to 14.

So long, Hartwick.

With my first and only school year at Hartwick college coming to an end, I find it relatively easy to reflect on what a great time I have had here; despite its difficulties. First, I have met some amazing friends and people, in general. My roommate is one of the most inspirational, fun and beautiful human beings I have had the pleasure to meet. Abbie, despite our few falling outs, is also one of the few people that made Hartwick a great experience. My work study boss, Gary, along with a few friends from work, made my first college year incredible and I'm so happy that I got to meet such happy and positive people. It will be sad leaving Hartwick, but it is certainly my place back home. Memories will never fade and I can honestly say that(even though I have said multiple times that I hated it here) these memories; the nights out, exploring a new town, an amazing road trip and spring break; will always make me smile. With that, I suppose it is so long to Hartwick on Wednesday and a happy goodbye to Oneonta.

"I know how you feel."

No, actually, I have no clue at all how you feel.

I have no idea what it is like to be you or to understand precisely how you feel.

I have never experienced anything quite the same as you have.

Telling you that "I know how you feel" is similar to say that I know how a bird feels when it is flying in the air (that is, after I've flown in a plane.)

But do I really know how a bird experiences flying?  Not at all.  I can imagine what it might be like and how it must feel, but I can never truly understand what it is like to be a bird.

Why?  Well, because of something called a "consciousness."  Surprisingly, even with advanced modern science, humans have no way to measure a conscious state of mind.  Sure, I can understand how someone else's body works in a physical manner.  I can even understand what part of the mind experiences pain.  But I cannot experience that persons pain and react the exact same way, in regards to consciousness, as they do.  

Revloution-Revalation

I think that your first love is especially hard to get over in a lot of ways.  In my case, those ways are like a lot of other people's first loves. You loved them, or you think you loved them.  In some cases, you gave way too much for way too little.  In my case, you love a person that isn't who you thought they were.  In any case, moving on from a first love, especially one where you are not in any type of control of your own self, is a difficult task.

I try to think how long it's been since things went bad way back when, but I always have to tell myself it isn't worth it.  But there are always little reminders. A necklace that you can't throw away because it signifys a little more that a relationship. A ring that you hold on to, even though it is broken.  Memories that don't fade with time.

Is it worth holding onto those things?  No, probably not.  

After a lot of time and a lot of thinking, you think I would have put the past behind me.  It's hard to do.  Someday, it will happen.  There will be a day where I don't look back and cringe with disgust; at myself and the other person.  Today is not that day.  Tomorrow doesn't look so good either.  But someday.

Luckily, I have someone in my life that helps me get through the bad memories.  Someone who helps me understand that my past certainly does not define me in any manner; that someone else's opinon of me does not affect me as a person.  He helps me move past the anger, the sadness, the insecurity that I have because of the past.

Am I over my first love?  You bet.  
Am I over the emotional damage that happened?  Not quite yet.

I'm empty like the beer my mother drank before she really thought it through.
Empty like my brother's heart, who seems sad beyond control.
Empty like the house my father will sleep in, because he can't seem to keep a relationship.
Empty like my emotions because I can't hold everyone together.

Your memory haunts me
like a ghost of winter
in the beginning of spring.
there is still a bit of cold
grasping at your throat.

The words you use
to speak to me
echo in my mind
and I have to remind
 myself that it is
over now.

That you are something
of my past
something I did not
want to remember
but every year,
like spring,
I do remember.

I remember that
you were not the person
I thought you were.
That I have to constantly
remind myself that
I am good.

That I am good enough
for someone
not just a piece
of dirt on the ground.
Not your punching bag.
but sometimes,
I can't forget.

I can't forget that
helpless feeling of
not good enough
and I can't forget
your smirk when you
thought you won.
like spring.

But summer will come.

Skinny Love -

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

Body change

I know this is a bit personal, but it's only been two weeks and I'm already seeing my body change! Adjusting my diet to eating a bit more salads and a bit less sweets and throwing in at least a core workout are really helping.

OHFEST8

This past weekend was OHFEST, held by Hartwick and Suny Oneonta.

It involved closing down mainstreet for the day and holding a free concert at night.

The Ready Set was the featured band and I believe that the opening band was "Outasight"

Sadly, I didn't stay to see The Ready Set but did have an amazing day with my roommate and another close friend.  All three of us voluntered in the morning for OHFEST8 and had a great time. (: 

One Day Without Shoes

April 16, 2013 was TOMS "One Day Without Shoes" event to help raise awarness at the health and life risks for children who are not fortunate enough to own a pair of shoes.

Today, I decided to go with the challange of not wearing shoes.

It was difficult, especially because it rained.

however, I realized how for granted my shoes are to me, and how much my feet hurt at the end of today.

Visit the website to learn more about the project.

Moments

In these moments, laying with you, I feel as if every obstacle I face isn't that bad. That anything that comes my way, I can conquer. As long as you're by my side.

What's going on in the world?

In an effort to become a more worldly interested person, I've been skimming the New York Times online to catch up on some information.  Here are some of the latest stories that I find either interesting or concerning:

1. Gold is loosing its value in the market, dropping almost 17% from 2011.  Read about it here.
2. The new home of American Folk Art Museum in Manhatten is going to be demolished only after a short life of 12 years due to an expansion of Modern Museum of Art.  Read about it here.
3. South Korea is trying to defuse tension with North Korea, according to the Times. Read it here.

Big bed, lonely nights

I miss you when you're gone.
My bed is too big
And a bit too cold.

Innocence

I don't take claim on being innocent in any manner;

but every time I am watching a movie where two people kiss,

I have to look away.

It's embarrassing!

I think I'm a broken being with no hope for repair.

Spring break and after.

Spring break was amazing to say the least. My roommate Jenelle and I had an incredible time staying with my nana in South Carolina. Kayaking, shopping, sightseeing, gardens, cute high school boys hitting on us and the beach. Uhg. It was pure greatness. We didn't party all week or anything, but I'd say it was a very productive and fun week. :)


However, this week is terrible. I'm lazy and don't want to do work at all. Plus MU is giving me shit for financial aid which is ridiculous. I figure ill be working a part time job and a work study job and going to classes and trying to get fit and try to have some sort of social life. Mmmmmmhm. Wonderful.

All I Ever Wanted

This song always reminds of you.

Maybe becuase when you sent it to me, I remember smiling so big.

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."

To my very beloved boyfriend,

        You are nothing short of amazing, and you've given me the best relationship I could ever ask for.
There is nobody in this would who could of showed me what love can really be besides you.  Yes, it's true that we've had some bad and trying times, but we've always gotten through them.  The thing is, is that I love you as a person. Really, I love everything about you, even if some parts of you are quirky. You are funny and brilliant. Handsome, of course. But that's not even the beginning of where my love starts for you.  No matter how bad of a mood I am in, you find a way to cheer me up. You are a genuinely good person and you have an amazing personality.  I never knew that a relationship between two people could be as strong as ours. In fact, I never knew I could these types of feelings for anyone.  Besides that, it always seems that the more time we spend together, the more I fall in love with you (and I didn't think I could fall in love with you anymore the previous day.)  I feel like, just maybe, you were my life saver tossed to me in the middle of the sea of confusion I was swimming in.  I do not know where I would be without you today.  I used to think that I knew what love was, that I had loved others before you.  Maybe I had loved others, but literally not in the way that I adore you.  I hope you know that. I am so lucky to have you as my boyfriend. As a friend. I'm just lucky to know you.  Honestly, I hope that I get to be someone whom you spend your life with. I want to go through all of the good times, all of the bad times and all of the really shitty times with you. I love you, even when we fight, even when I think you're being stupid, because it's you.  I don't want anyone else, because I don't think anyone else could make me feel the way you do.

                                                                                                                 Forever yours,
                                                                                                                  xoxo

My adventure with you is incredible.

I am sorry that I am so incredibly jealous sometimes. 

I do love you and I do trust you. 

Angel - Jack Johnson

I love love love this song. <3 p="">

Someone once asked if I could spare a little change for gas

I need to get myself away from this place

I said yep, what a concept

I could use a little fuel myself

and we could all use a little change.

-All Star, Smash Mouth

 

I just don't understand.

If someone is in a relationship, you leave them alone.

Especially if you know that thier girl doesn't like you.

and I dont't understand what other people don't understand about that.

I mean, the same goes for people in the relationship too.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't like a person,

you don't talk to them.

I mean, I'm guilty as charged, but I finally bucked up and stopped talking and seeing a person completely for the sake of a relationship.

and I've stayed away from good friends because of thier girls not liking me.

I respect that.

and besides, why would you keep doing something that causes problems in your relationship in the first place?

Today.

I always find it fascinating to review my thoughts and actions for the day I've had.

This is usually during my shower time (which is very shory, considering the dorm I live in and the shared bathroom I'm forced to use.)  Today's mood was anywhere from content, unhappy, bored, seriously upset to happy.  

That's an odd combination, I know.

Today's activities included:  Financial Accounting stress; eating delicious taco salad for lunch (still counts as a salad...right?);doing arms and legs in an overcrowded gym; kicking around a soccer ball with my roommate; running around from theatre to theatre finding a jig saw; cutting a two violin shapes with the jigsaw; dinner (That was unhealthy); getting in a fight and finally, making up.

That pretty much sums up my day. 

It's always interesting how so many things can be connected.

by one person.

because of a decision.

If I would have never came to Hartwick, I would have never been working in the theatre department (at least I don't think so) and I would probably have never used a jig saw or a table saw, or any other tool in the theatre shop.

Anger and despair

WIP

Finished peice.  I enjoy this sketch quite immensely!  First I've done in awhile that has turned out decent.

The woman with warm hair is anger

and the woman with cool hair is despair/sadness.

I was tired of a regular page, so I split it up. 

I hope to do more like this in the future. :D

If you're Audrey Hepburn, I'm James Dean.

"They say that love is forever, your forever is all that I need. Please stay as long as you need."

Look at my wrists, do you see any scars?

Does that mean I'm not damaged, does that means I'm unharmed?

I look like I'm happy.

I look like I'm charmed.

My fake smiles have

labled me wrong.

Look at my wrists, do you see any scars?

Does that mean I'm damaged, does it mean I'm harmed?

I hold my emotions

away from my body.

Leaving my feelings

completely unarmed.

Look at these wrists, there aren't any scars.

Does this make me normal, does this not make me marred?

They think I'm fine

They assume I'm great.

but does nobody know,

the troubles that chase?

Look at my smile, there isn't any grief.

Does that make me happy, does it give you belief?

Mhm.

Sometimes life is unexpected.

Sometimes love is unexpected.

Sometimes everything is a little unexpected and every little thing can change you.

in some way, somehow.

I'm not sure why you came into my life.

but you have changed my life in so many little unexpected ways.

and I love that.  

You are absolutely incredible in every sense of the word.

I cannot wait to get to spend every day with you.

Even if some days it might only be a few hours.

You make my everyday better,

even if I don't act like it.

I hope that I don't ever take you for granted,

because you deserve someone who adores you

every day of your life.

I love you.

Universe

I walk looking around like an empty

box or an old book,

with a scratched 

cover.

People look past me because I don't 

appear brilliant, or

fun.  I don't look

happy.

They assume I have nothing

to say, because

I'm a little scratched on

the surface,

but that's not true 

at all.  

I have a lot to 

say,

on the inside, I am

bright and full

of words that you couldn't

understand

because you are too 

shallow to look 

past my outside to 

see

my insides

show a different tale,

I feel like a million

shining lights

sparkling and

glistening.

Maybe there is a whole

universe

just waiting to 

be discovered by 

someone who isn't afraid to

look past my 

damages.

I really want to be healthy

Being sick all the time always sucks.

I absolutely hate it and it only adds onto my stress level at college.  It'd be great to not be ailed with some sort of disgusting cold, infection or virus.

The worst part is, is that I try to stay healthy and I even try to eat decently.

I haven't been taking vitamins like I should be, but should it really make that big of difference?

I am just finding it increasinly hard to actually go work out because I am constantly fighing off sinsus infections, head colds and overtiredness.  

Snow.

My feet are cold and it chills me, so much that I get goosebumps engulfing my body.
It's miserable and so am I, especially after I slosh through brown slush that used to be pure white snow.
Snow was the answer to my day.
When it first fell into place, it was beautiful, white and pure.
nothing harmful in something filled with beauty.
How can there be?
But snow has a secret.
Snow is dangerous.
and if you tread enough,
eventually,
it turns into a slushy, sloshy angry mess,
that with one wrong step,
can ruin your day.

With two wrong steps,
you can recieve an annoyed look,
from your german class neighbor,
and then be promptly left alone,
in the corner,
to your own devices.
meanwhile, the only person
who even considers talking to you
is your instructor.
And this she does
purely out of pity.

Yes, snow can be dangerous.
tread too much because
you think you're happy
and your pure white joy
turns to a brown slosh
of a miserable day.

Ocean.

How could you not want to swim in this?

Someday, someday.

Just one of those days..

The instant I woke up this morning I was clearly informed by my body that it was definitely not my day.  This was due to the fact that I had woken up four times to run to the bathroom and when my alarm went off, I was still feeling sick.  

Add to the "bad day" equation a day full of cramps, headaches and snobby football players that have decided to make my German class their fun time.  Fast forward to work where I was working with liquid latex. Now, this normally wouldn't bother me... but nobody informed me that liquid latex was impossible to get out of clothing until I actually got some on my only pair of black skinny jeans. 

The only good thing about my day was the fact that the paper that I thought was due this Wednesday is actually due next Monday.

Happy Valentine's Day.

First, I want to say that my Valentine's Day, although spent alone without my valentine, was not too bad.

Secondly, I want to say that, Doug (if you're reading this), I adore you. I love you. I am amazed by you in many ways.  I always wonder to myself somedays oh how it came to be that I was paired with such an amazing, wonderful and loving person.  Our situation was always a little different that how I imagined I'd meet someone that I'd fall in love with but I'm glad that happened that way, because I wouldn't ask for it any other way.

I have truly never had the pleasure of expierencing such love from a person.  I'm thankful for you in every way.  I wouldn't trade our relationship for any other in the world.  <3 p="">

So bored

Physics of everyday objects is boring me to sleep. Good thing tomorrow is my last day of class and tomorrow I will be home. Can't wait.

It seems almost official.

I've been absolutely stressed out of my mind lately.

I can't sleep. I have a constant headache because I can't sleep. I can't pay attention because I have a constant headache because I can't sleep. I'm sure you get the picture I'm paiting here.

I need a good stress reliever and very very soon.

I learned today that I would only need a high 80 on the final exam for my physics to get an "A", so at least that is some good news.

On the other hand, I find it saddening that next semester will be my last at Hartwick and it is breaking my poor little heart. I love it so much here and I can't imagine leaving to go to Mansfield.  I mean, I miss home all the time and I miss my family, friends and my boyfriend, but missing Hartwick is also going to suck.

On the positive side of things, I'll be closer to home and probably actually living at home. 

I desperately hope that it doesn't mess up any of my relationships (i.e. boyfriend, father, mother, friends)

I'll be able to actually have a job.

I won't have to be so lonely.

I might be able to be more social.

On the downside?

I'm going to be that girl who moves back home because she can't afford to go to the college that she really likes and really doesn't want to leave. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like that, I just can't see myself being able to support myself finacially after college with 22k of student loans a year that will double with interest. 

This situation just all kind of sucks. 

Those Odd Things About Me.

Ever have those things that are completely normal to you but completely fucking weird for other people?

(who are you kidding, of course you do.)

Most aren't usually anything others would notice if they weren't close to you in any way.  Some make you come off like a conceited or self absorbed person.  Some make you look like you are absolutely the biggest nerd in this universe.  

I have a few and they are very... odd things about me:

• In a public bathroom, I will choose the second stall every time (circumstances allowing)
• I will say sorry after almost everything if I feel that I am making you go out of your way. (Tonight, some man held a door open for me and instead of saying "thank you" I said "I'm so sorry.")
• I have the tendency to look at myself very often. Not because I'm infatuated with myself, but because I have constantly feel the need to make sure I don't have some alien like pimple growing on my head.

What are Great Moments?

My roommate and I were talking about our relationships with our boyfriends, both whom live away from us while we live together at college.  While talking, she said that there weren't many "great moments" anymore with them and that most of the time they fought.

I thought about it for a moment and then asked her what she meant by "great moments."  Her response was that, to her, great moments were the fun times when they were doing something together besides just sitting or laying around.  

But, what are great moments? 

To me, in my relationship, great moments are where we can sit and lay around with each other;

(although, it is nice to do something once in awhile, I'll agree with my roommate.)

where he can show me what he's been doing on minecraft while I've been away;

where I get to be big spoon;

where talking about the future isn't scary, but something to look forward to;

where I get to try something new because of the relationship (even if, at first, I am a big cry baby because I'm no good at it. *cough cough* snowboarding *cough*);

where we fight but eventually work it out.

My "great moment" in my relationship?

I get to go home to someone who makes me happy and I think that is incredible. 

Dreary

It has been my first whole day back at Hartwick and I'm pretty sure that I'm already homesick.

I spent three amazing weeks at home.

thee amazing weeknights where I got to sleep next to the person I adore the most.

Then I had to be ripped away so I could come back to college for a month.

asdfjkl;

The only reason it is so frustrating is becuase I really don't mind the classes.

I just really hate sleeping alone.

It is so cold and lonely and restless.

I already miss cuddling.