Grimace.

Grimace with the pain, my dear.

It's just another day, my dear.

It is quite a shame, I hear,

that you weren't born prettier.

Cut your hair and change you ways, my dear.

It's what we've all been saying, my dear.

before they all sneer,

at the way you appear.

Oh look at that smile, my dear.

so beautiful and perfect, my dear.

on the inside I bet you cheer,

my dear.

It is quite a shame, my dear.

you're life was so perfect, my dear.

Living like a barbie on this sphere,

but you jumped in front of a truck, I hear,

and on the road your body parts smear,

my dear...

Oh, there you are winter!

It is April 23rd.

That's right!

April.

Usually the saying goes: "April showers bring May flowers."

but again, mother nature decided to say "FUCK THE NORM!" and decided to snow.

Don't tell anyone, but I think mother nature is beginning to go hipster. 

Death and Destruction

My mother called me again tonight.

I have almost lost hope for the woman, as days go by.

Tonight, my mother told me goodbye. 

And not goodbye as in "I'll see you tomorrow"

or "I'll see you in a month, after I get out of rehab",

but "goodbye, I'm going to kill myself."

and I honestly couldn't handle that.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't cry.

Speechless. Especially to think that life was so horrible for my mother that she would commit such a selfish crime against herself.

She hung up before I could tell her that I loved her.

Thankfully, she was picked up by the police and sent back to the hospital.

This time, with a security guard, because the last three times?

She signed herself out.

Alcoholism is a disease.

I'm beginning to realize that now. 

Drunk.

I picked my mother up on the side of the road today.

She was drunk. Very, very drunk.

Sadly, she had just gotten out of the hospital for relapsing. 

twice in three days.

There's a three month cycle she goes through.

and I'm helpless. I have no say.

I can't help her, but I can be there for her. 

So, if you would, pray for her. Lord knows that she needs it.

Bandwagons are tough.

 Alcohol is a drug.  It can be addictive. It can kill people.  It can tear families apart. 

I am a person.  I always thought that alcohol wasn't a drug and that it wouldn't affect me in any way, shape or form.

My mother is an alcoholic.  She recently came back into my life. Things were going good for her.  She has a job, a boyfriend, an apartment, and my brother and me.

Alcohol, when some one is addicted to it, is devastating.  It  is a scary angry barking dog at your backdoor, and at night you open the door assuming the dog won't bite you when it awakens.  Alcohol makes happy people sad, while only making the sad appear happy.

Alcohol is an enemy to families. An enemy to happiness. 

Mom, I love you. I love you more than you could ever know.  I want you to be healthy and happy and drug free.  I want you to do more with your life than this. I know you can and I believe in you.  I know that staying on the sober bandwagon is tough, but I know that you can do it.  You should know that Tony loves you, too.  No matter what the alcohol makes you think.  He understands. I understand.

I love you. No matter what.                                             

PA FBLA SLC!

Pennsylvania's Future Business Leaders of America Student Leader Conference was absolutely amazing! 

None of our 7 state members placed in the top 10, but I am all very proud of them and how they did.

In the picture above, I am with the one and only Ryan Belz.  He is our FBLA chapter President, and I do not honestly think I could have gotten this far through the year without him.  He is also the treasurer for senior class (but he does the more work than anyone.)  Ryan made this year great, wonderful and awesome. I've never met anyone so enthusiastic about life!

We even made it on the big screen at the conference! :D

Words.

The sentence that goes like this: "I can live without you", can be terrifying and saddening. 

but pair them with this: "but I prefer not to", turns the sentence into a completely different thing.

"I can live without you; but I prefer not to." That is something I am okay with hearing everyday for a long time.

or perhaps: "I think I'm pretty booked for the next year with this girl".  That might even be better.

You know what even sounds better? 

"Hey, come here, I've got a secret to tell you."

"what?"

 "I love you."

Insomnia, for a night.

Here's a fun fact about me.

I'm terrified of zombies. Really. I couldn't even watch Zombie Land because I freaked out and made whoever I was watching it with change the movie. 

And so, today, after the senior car wash, I decided, well, heck, my face got sun burnt, I stayed up until 2 a.m that morning, I'm gonna take a nap.

All was well and awesome until my brain decided to be like this:

"Hahahaha, nap, you? Fuuuuck no! Zombie attack!"

And I woke up crying and scared, probably because I couldn't figure out if i was actually dreaming or not anymore.

I fucking hate zombies. Uhg.

Yup. So.

I can't sleep.

fucking zombies.

bleh.

Yours.

There's a certain look you use when you think I'm not looking.

but sometimes I catch your blue eyes staring, 

and my breathing falters.

yours.

There's a certain way you make me feel.

and it's crazy to think,

that you might feel the same.

yours.

I hope you know I'm scared as hell.

and every time you say "I love you",

I get these cute little butterflies.

yours.

Tickle.

I love having tickle fights.

Really.

Especially with this guy I happen to be with a lot.

He thinks he wins, but he doesn't. 

He only has a slight advantage over me, and that is the fact that I am slightly more tickilish that he is. 

SWAG - Not what you think.

S.W.A.G - Saved With Amazing Grace.

I don't know if you guys who read this know, but I am a Christian.

This is something I am proud of, to say that I know Jesus Christ.

On the contrary, I don't believe in Religion because I believe it was created to make people behave.

This video says exactly how I feel about religion, and every time I watch it, I get mad goosebumps.

Now, I am no innocent person, but that's why I need Jesus in my life, as my savior.

I am a sinner by nature, because I am human.

I make mistakes but I ask for forgiveness, for hopes that someday, I will not be sentenced to eternity in hell.

And if you must know, I don't believe in the Bible, because it was written and re-written by  man a thousand times over.  

I get arguments from people asking me how I can be a real christian when I don't believe in religion or the bible and my response now is: I believe in Jesus, I love Jesus, and I accept Jesus. And the cool thing? He believes in me, he loves me, and he accepts me for who I am.  He lives in me and through me.

Boy time.

I get to see this lovely person I know tonight.

Ahhhhhh.

<3

Heard you were back in town.

Heard you were back in town.

Thought about it for awhile.

Then thought about a quote I once heard. It went something like this: "Just because you miss someone, doesn't mean you want them back in your life, it is just a part of moving on."

Then I remembered that I really don't care.

Hmmp.

Ballerina

I'm going to see a ballet tonight with my wonderful mother.

On that simple thought, I always wondered why my father never put me into a dance class. I mean, I was a young girl, and I dunno, most little girls love ballerinas.

When I asked him why he never did, he replied "Allison, I tried, but you refused. You always said you hated those pink frilly things." 

This came as no surprise to me. I hate the color pink, and I also strongly dislike frilly things. 

This is why I am no ballerina. :)

brown :3

Before and After! :3 

So, my natural color happens to be this cute dirty dark blonde. I also happen to be really pale in the first photo, but of course, that was before I discovered the ways of the tanning bed.  I also look a creeper in all photos that I take of myself.

I think I prefer the tanner, darker haired me. I think I look pretty damn cute.
Plus, that necklace broke a week ago, but not one fuck was given.

I'm watching you :O

Just a lil' hypothetical story.

There once was a girl, and let us say her name was Rachael. She grew up in a small town, went to a small school.  Rachael wasn't the most beautiful girl around, but she did have a plain beauty about her. Now, let us imagine at a certain time in this story, Rachael was about 17 years old.  In fact, she was almost 18.  She is a senior in high school who is very much looking forward to college and the rest of her life.

She's a normal teenage girl.  Rachael wears make-up, she goes tanning, she dyes her hair, she goes out with friends and she's a fun-loving soul.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  She even happens to believe in love, even though she was severely hurt by someone she thought loved her.  So yes, if you're wondering, Rachael is wary of love and the lies that come with it.

She; however, was not prepared to become infatuated with an older boy that she knows.  Of course, at first, it was nothing but infatuation, and of course, after some time had passed, let us say... 8 months, infatuation turned into adoration.  She knows that this guy isn't good for her, and she will be going to college soon. Mind you, these two aren't "dating" but in some way, shape, or form, they are together. Rachael knows that things should be simple as leaving him behind and starting over, but she fears that she can't do such a thing without hurting herself.

And so, she is faced internally with the conflict of whether to keep seeing him, or to altogether leave him behind and pretend he never existed.  The problem becomes even stickier when I mention that this boy has said a little three worded trap. You know, those "I love you" words.  Now, Rachael hasn't decided yet whether or not he means it, but if he does, she knows people will get hurt on both sides.  She isn't sure she's ready to be hurt again, or to even hurt somebody.

The other problem?  She knows no matter what, she's gonna get hurt. Rachael, whether she likes to admit it or not, is in love with this boy.  In fact, she has no control over the feelings she has for him, and that little detail scares the living day-lights out of her.

Dyed.

Dyed my hair yesterday.

Hehehehe.

Not quite sure if I'm diggin' the dark brown yet, but it looks alright. :3

23

23.

It is my favorite number.

It is my lucky number.

It is my soccer number.

It also has other past meanings that mean nothing now.

It is the day of my graduation party.

I do not know why I enjoy the number so much, but I certainly do.

:3

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.

Boy couldn't get a hold of me to tell me he loves me.

sends me message on my xbox instead.

Certainly made me smile. :)

l-o-v-e (something I shouldn't be able to pronounce.)

If I were any more naive and silly and stupid,

well, I'd be nothing but an antelope. 

Freakin' Fuckin' Flippin' Shit!

I tried convincing myself otherwise.

I tried talking to other people.

I even went on dates with other people.

Nothing worked.

The only reasonable idea that I can ponder is that I'm madly in love.

and I had no choice in the matter.

ah.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Also, why the hell do spiders decide to house themselves in the shower?! Why not the dark corners of living rooms, where no fear can be driven into me?!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. goose.

this week be messy, yo!

sorry, sorry, sorry. 

It's been beaaaaauuuutiful outside and I have been more focused on chillin' outside.

Anyways, last night was St. Patrick's Day, and of course there was a party that needed to be partied.

Woke up.

Felt like shit.

Woohoo!

So. 

Hmm.

Yup.

Talk later, says my brain.

feet say I must go outside.

Bye :3

100 days, 100 facts - Day 88.

I have terrible mood swings sometimes.

Especially when I'm around my father.

Also, R.I.P Iva. I wish I could have said goodbye before you left us. I'll miss you.

90-89.

I'll get to these. Been busy. :x

100 days, 100 facts - Day 91.

Something about myself:

I don't believe in myself.

especially in my own self beauty and worth.

People tell me I'm beautiful all the time, and I guess I just don't see what they are seeing.

I judge myself harshly; there are many things that could be changed to make me better.

things that I could change.

things like my hair;

It's natural color is light brown, and right now it's dark mahogany. (or was, it has faded a bit)

things like my eyes;

Don't get me wrong, I adore my brown eyes, but sometimes I am very envious of my mother who is graced with beautiful blues.

things like my body;

I'm not fat, by any means, I just have a little extra lovin' in some places that there doesn't need to be.
(a.k.a my arse and legs.)

things like my stupid comments;

They're not funny, even when I think they are.

asdfjkl;

This describes everything, perfectly

100 days, 100 facts - Day 92

I've finally decided on a college, unless of course Drexel replies back with an acceptance letter.

If they do not; however, I will most certainly be attending Hartwick College. I might have already posted this fact, but I really, truly and honestly decided that for a fact today!

The thing about me today is that I'm trying to get my lazy butt to run, everyday.  I want to be in shape, and I want to look good!  Not to mention that if I ever have dreams of playing any sport (whether it be for the college's team or intermural) I have to start running.  This is terribly hard for me, not only because I lack the will power to keep running when my legs or feet or lungs give out, but also because I like to be lazy and do nothing.

Meh.

I need a new pair of sneakers.

100 days, 100 facts - Day 93

Late night post - yes, please!

Let me start with saying that today was a beautiful day! I went on a lovely hike with my awesome father, and got to splurge on my artistic side.  Plus, is was warm enough for me not to wear my winter coat, or any coat at all, for that matter! 

Onto the more important thing of the post - When I was a little girl , my father would wake me up on nights that had a full moon.  The two of us would sit forever and look at the stars and the moon together.  My father always told me that a full moon, is a love moon, and to this day, I still refuse to call it anything but that.<3

(Last night happened to be a love moon, if you're wondering what made me think of this!)

(obv. not my picture.)

100 days, 100 facts - Day 94

Fact 94 - I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I believe in second chances.

This usually causes me to get hurt in the end, very badly.

But I suppose it's something I can't help.

100 days, 100 facts - day 95

I love yogurt, that's a fact. 

"Smoke weed, eat yogurt" (;

It is a more interesting fact; however, that I will only eat rasberry and strawberry yogurt.  I prefer fruit on the bottom, but any kind will do!

100 days, 100 facts - Day 96

Finally finished my calculus test today, and started a new lab. Ick! (They're not that terrible, thank goodness).  In art class, I've been working on a paper mache mermaid...she looks... deformed, to say the least.

On the more important note, my fact for today is that I enjoy horses.  In fact, enjoy isn't even the word for it.  I adore, love, respect, admire and a whole plethora of other words.  Not only do I love looking at them and being close to them, but I also enjoy riding.  I don't ride as much as I'd like, but plan to start doing so again once the weather gets better.  

100 days, 100 facts - Day 97

Calculus kicks my butt! I had a test today, which I haven't finished yet, but I'm pretty sure I've failed miserably. Hah! "On the bright side", I am also writing a paper for ACE COMP II that is going to get a terrible grade. I just couldn't get into the paper this time!  What have I done to myself in my senior year?! 

Something you should know about me...I adore brown eyes. I have brownish eyes myself, but with a hint of green.  I think brown eyes are incredibly gorgeous. Don't get me wrong, other eye colors are fine.  Especially a certain pair of blue eyes. (:

100 days, 100 facts - Day 98

Day 98 - Senior Superlative Pictures were today. Sadly, I did not know about them, and did not bother to put on any make up whatsoever. Nor did I put on cute clothing. Took the picture anyway, and of course, as always, I was voted most artistic girl.  

Enough about my boring day at school!  Something about me...Today, I suppose I will tell you what I fear the most.  There are many things that I am terrified of, but I wouldn't bore you with that list.  I will give you a few; however, and even in list form:

• The dark, and whatever is in the dark.  This fear became more real after watching the first paranormal activity movie, and The Crazies. I sleep with multiple nightlights.

• Spiders. Especially spiders in my shower.  This fear isn't as bad as it used to be when I was younger, since now I can kill them myself.  (I used to make my Dad do it for me!)

• Throwing up. Yuck, do I even have to tell you why this is one of my fears? I hate it.

• My most recently developed fear is being chased up the stairs.  I'm not sure where this came from, but it happened suddenly.  I cry now, when someone does it to me. 

100 days, 100 facts - Day 99

There are 99 days left until I graduate (not counting graduation day!), and so, here is my 99th fact about myself.

I simply adore hot tea, especially on a chilly day like today!  I haven't yet explored my inner tea master, but soon plan to do so.  So far, my favorite tea is peppermint tea.  I am also very partial to chamomile tea, which is equally relaxing.  

On a side note, I do like other teas, not just served hot!  For instance, I adore any Peace Tea, green tea or black tea! (Earl Grey....yum!)

Love or Hate

From Now Until June -

I will be doing something... interesting. More or less to keep me blogging, I suppose. I'll be posting something about myself everyday, something I learned, something I love, something I'm not good at, something I'm great at.  Maybe it'll be about my noticing of a small bird, who knows.  I also suppose that it is more or less for you guys to get to know me? (:  

March 4th  -  So, for my first entry.....drum roll, please? I am a silly little 17 year old girl who is irrevocably in love with somebody who might possibly feel the same. (probably not.)

Pooh and Piglet.

Must Share.

                                       

  

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is my favorite poet - as he is my mothers. The reason I mention him is because for ACE COMP II, I have to evaluate a poem. The poem I chose is "Goodbye"  I'm sure that some of you are like "Whoa! That's easy!"  but, for me?  Oh no, it is not easy! I'm not good with picking apart essays or poems or speeches.

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself in situations where I have to continually do work, while most of the other seniors decided to take super easy classes.  Hmm.

Fake.

You call me fake,

because I tan.

You call me fake,

because my hair isn't natural.

You call me fake,

because I wear makeup.

You call me fake,

because I smile when I am sad.

You call me fake,

because I can't always take my own advice.

You call me fake,

because I hide my feelings.

You call me fake,

because you can't see why I do the things I do.

Where Are You?

I'm sinking, it seems.

I'm falling, yes.

I've never been so sick in my chest.

Where are you?

I need you here, to catch my stumble.

I need you here to catch my fall.

The road is dark and twisted ahead,

there is nothing to see but my very own dread.

I'm sinking, it seems.

slipping and sliding,

constantly colliding,

through wretched thoughts and feelings.

Where are you?

My life is made up of unreal beings.

The first day of March.

It rained! Hooray! And if it's March, that means I only have3 and a half more months until I graduate and turn that big 18! :3  Not that I can do much after I turn 18. I suppose I could buy cigarettes, but I don't smoke them, so they'd be useless.  I can; however, get tattoos without my fathers permission, and get piercings, too!  This makes me excited. Senior Year is almost done, finally! <3

Lilac.

Mom bought me a lilac candle the other week. 

It smells like... well, lilacs.

but reminds me of happier times.

Hmm.

Procrastination. Hmm.

This Canvas of Mine.

I cannot even begin to explain the amount of tattoos I want! I know that tattoos are still very frowned upon, but damn, I love the one I have. I want more! Tons more! Oh, sometimes I ponder the idea of becoming a tattoo artist myself, but I don't know.

I'm tired of "traditional" beauty. I want tattoos so my body can portray my stories, my life.  I want to be interesting when I die. I don't want to be a blank canvas that has no meaning. I'm going to burned up, anyway, but I want to be a living, walking canvas for as long as I can.

The only thing tattoos prevent me from is keeping my regular tanning schedule, but the time off is completely worth it. (on a side note, I am getting tanner, it's quite nice. That will be a post for later!)

Choices.

College is one hard decision! I have three options, (well technically two) and I don't have a clue where to go. I love art, I live art, I want to create art, but I also want a stable job along with that. If I got to Hartwick, I'll double major in Art and Business Management, and if I go to Alfred State, I'll major in Architecture and minor in Art.

Uhg. :l

Peace, finally.

I've never been more at peace with my past these past few days. It's such a nice feeling, to be relieved of all the bad that has happened, I feel like I could fly! There's been less memories on my mind, and so much less pain. It is absolutely lovely, and I hope it stays this way until the next time things fall apart.

I've come to the conclusion that change, no matter how scary, can turn out to be good in the end. Sometimes it just takes a long time to get there. Avery, very long time.

Artist I'm really feeling today? Etta James. Mmmm yes, please!

Dear me, 4?

Boys are stupid.

Just stop looking, please? This whole thing sucks.

Blah.

I'm not always the most beautiful person.

But I love who I am.

Best friend SWAAAAG.

She puts up with me, and this is what make her my best friend.

I'm madly in love with a mad man.

Shit.

Took me by Surprise.

Had an interesting conversation last night with this guy that I know.

Wasn't sure what to say when he told me he loved me.

Wasn't sure if I could even speak after that.

Wasn't sure what to say after he told me he wanted to try a relationship.

It's exactly what I wanted him to say, after months of seeing each other,

yet it scared me beyond belief.

I haven't been in a relationship with anyone I really wanted in almost a year.

I don't even know what to do, besides be flustered and clueless.

I've got a few months to think about it, I guess.

This is tricky.

If I could tell you.

I'd tell you how I get nervous seconds before parking my car in your drive way,
I'd tell you how I hold my breath when you kiss me.
I'd tell you all of the things I think about, but get to flustered to speak when around you.
I'd tell you how I enjoy being next to you,
and how I think it's cute when you kiss my forehead.

but I can't tell you any of that, I can't even find the words to say.
If I could tell you, I'd tell you that I'm crazy about you.

There are times...

that the more I hear about you, the more I just want to punch you in the face.
Asshole.

VIRGINNNNIAAAA.

With my best friend, to see her lovely boy Jason.

Warmer weather = a happier Allison.

pictures later. :3

There are things...

There are things in this life I don't understand,

like the search for yourself and the presence of man.

Why some animals sing and others will roar,

why some people are never satisfied with more.

Things like love that cause happiness and hurt,

soup.

Constellation.

I wish I were a constellation.

Floating aimlessly above the atmosphere of earth,

suspended from the ways of the world.

I'd be beautiful to everyone below me,

shining like everything's fine.

I wish I were a constellation,

everyone admiring my beauty,

but no one ever hurting me,

because I'm so withdrawn from others.

Constantly burning, but only half

the people would know.

I wish I were a constellation,

seeing a new place everyday.

Being surrounded by others just as brilliant,

just as bright.

I wish I were a constellation.

Well..

Lost the Mock Trial by only a few points, by a very unfair jury. But, it is what it is, we may have our chance again!

Off to have dinner with my Mom, horray!

(Garcias? I think so. Nom Nom Nom!)

Mock Trial Today.

Going to Lawyer it up at the Wellsboro Courthouse today, in front of a judge that I've been in front of many times. Excited and nervous, I hope I do good! Public speaking isn't my best ability, but you can be damn sure that I'm going to try.

FFFFFF. If we win today, against Mansfield, we go on to .. districts?

Wishin' myself luck, because nobody (hardly anybody) reads this :P

:3

Easier to dream than act,

to hope than to find out,

so fearful of the force of fact.

I wait in fear filled doubt.

But now the day of love has come

and I must cross it's lines,

and so I ask you through this poem

To be my Valentine.

This is the cutest darned thing ever, not the whole thing, and I won't say who wrote it, just in case. It made my day, I hope he knows that!

giraffe love.

Did I even mention I love giraffes?

Well, I do.

Teaka named him Bruce.

I sleep with him and another giraffe that I named...

Giraffe.

:3

My goodness, I'm pathetic.

Charmanders are red. Squirtles are blue. If you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you. Your smile is stronger that of a Hyperbeam. Like Jesse and James, we make the perfect team. I'll stay by your side like Pikachu and Ash. I'll love you more than a level 80 Rapidash. You're more legendary than a Zapados, Entei, or Mew.But out of all 450 I choose you.

There's like 600 now, but it is of no matter! (<3)

AWE :'3

Mystery Meat

As I'm eating my pathetic dinner tonight, which is ravioli's in sauce, and I'm wondering what kind of meat they use. Then I realize that I have no idea what kind of meat I could be eating, or even what part of the animal I'm eating. Truth is, I really just don't want to eat a cow's rectum, or a pig's brain, and I certainly don't want to eat anything human.

#disgusted

Valentine's Day!

So, today was as bad as expected, but it could have been worse. It's my first Valentine's Day that I was single in awhile and all, but my bestfriend was lovely and made up for it <3 She brought me a stuffed giraffe, and some pops. I also got the sweetest poem from a boy that I've gotten in a long time. Super, duper cute. Plus a rose! (Two more to add to the collection since I dry and keep all roses.)

Ah. Mock Trial is tomorrow, and I am a lawyer. We shall see how this goes, and hopefully, I don't mess it up terribly like I expect.

[If you expect the worst, you'll either be pleasantly surprised or just right.]

Bestfriend Promise:

Here lies a promise that I will never break,

I will stand by you, and love you, and dry your tears when you cry.

I will never let someone off easy after making you feel like shit,

and I will do my best to make you smile when you frown.

I promise to mentally break the nose of any guy who breaks your heart without reason,

and I promise to always listen when you have words to say.

I also promise to never add salt to the French Toast, again.

I promise to laugh with you about the silly things that happen.

I hereby promise to play Zumba with you,

even if I feel stupid while doing so.

(because you and I both know that I can't move my hips in any way and make it look good)

I always promise to be your best friend, no matter how much time,

or distance life has put between us.

Hopefully some artful inspiration today!

I get to go see Sebastian and Melissa in Mansfield today, and that makes me excited. Maybe I'll stop to see Chelsea, and maybe get her to go horseback riding. Today should be a good day, no? (:

Just some art.

Whoop.

So, the Calc test I've been worried about wasn't hard. Pretty sure I only missed one little part. Comp II still sucks, but I've gotta write, I guess. I'm pretty excited! I get to go see someone today, and that will hopefully make me smile! (:

Ahhhhhh. It's the weekend<3

Dear me, 3

Really? Stop giving a damn about what other people think. You are who you are, and if you're happy with that, then others don't matter. You've got to realize that other people who talk shit are people who are jealous. Focus more on the people who lift you up, not bring you down.

Damn. We've gone over this before.

Tattoo = love.

Well, there it is, credit to Carl Hesse! I love it, besides the pain. It's gorgeous. (:
Don't mind the chub (winter has been harsh!), or the tape marks!

Calling:

I'm calling you down; out of your dreams,
I'm calling you down, closer to me.
Not knowing where you went, I cried out for you.
There was not an answer, just the deepest shade of night.

There isn't much to say,
not today, anyway.
rhyming sucks.
I don't like poems.
Fuck.

!%#@$

and many other choice words! My tattoo artist's exact words were "Even I'm not stupid enough to get my side tattooed." Damn. That hurt! But, it was worth it, I think. Another week, and I'll be good and healed. And, luckily, I had one of my friends there to distract me from the pain of it.

There is one thing I've learned: I prefer outlining, not coloring. EVEN MORE OUCH!


Ahh, happy day.

Tomorrow.

It's so terribly close, and yet, so far away. Freaking out? Yes. Considering not getting it done? No.

It's going to hurt very badly. Silly me for choosing my rib cage to be tattooed.

Dear me, 2

I know it, you're dying to get out of this town, and away from here. The boys here are either all taken, gay or druggies with no life. There's got to be something out there that has better options than this tiny little town. Just remember, college isn't too far away! Just... a horrifying 5 more months until you can be freed of this place. Well, technically, about 7. But you'll be 18 in about 5 months, and that's pretty pointless. UHG.

Dear me, 1

You finally work on Sunday, after three weeks of being off; but, is it really worth 55 dollars to work 9 hours with snotty college kids? I think you need to find a better job. Too bad you're parents didn't conceive you a few months earlier, you could be a waitress, or better yet, work at the porn shop with your brother.

Well, money is money, and you shouldn't complain so much. You've got to make some money for whatever prom dress you're buying this year. And it won't be another $400. That was a bit much don't you think?

nine more

long days until I get to ignore tiny stabbing little pains on my side.
oooooo, I cannot wait! I certainly hope it turns out exactly as planned, or I'll cry.


Especially for $210, later!
I'll post a picture as soon as I get it. It will be epic.

Underworld - Awakening 3D.

yes, I strongly reccomend this, to everyone. Go, see.
It is pure awesomeness. :3




p.s. if I were a Lesbian, whatever her name is, she'd be mine.
nom nom.

Update on Drexel.

Haven't been accepted, haven't been denied.
I've been put on the waiting list because my math and reading scores together were 10 below what they wanted. At least I wasn't denied, not yet! There is still a tiny little glimmer of hope, like that little piece of glitter in a pile of poo. I suppose it is a good thing I have two back up colleges.

At least one good thing, I have 15 days until my tattoo! That makes me incredibly excited, and thus will start my life long affair with tattoos <3

Hurt, disappointment, pain.

I know that you love me, and I love you, too. But you should know that what you do to yourself hurts me much more than it hurts you. I'm here for you now, I've come back for you, to get to know you better, to get the connection that my 11 year old self broke. And you do this? I know that sometimes you only focus on the bad, we all do it, but mom, you've got me and my brother now. I only want you to be here, for the big things in my life, like my graduation, and me going off to college. Ryan only wants you to be there for him too.

I never needed you before, but now that you are in my life, I need you more than ever. I feel like, when you do this, you don't really care that I'm here trying to get back my mother. I know you're an alcoholic, but shouldn't the good things in your life outweigh the bad? You're going to damage the relationships you have if you keep focusing on the bad.

You told me today that you and Tony were done, and I was disappointed, because I knew how much he made you happy. I don't want to lose you again, Mom. I'll try to be strong, and I'll try to stay, but it's going to be really hard if I can't see you much anymore. I love you, you need to get better.

For you, not for me. Not for Ryan. You've got to want to be a better person, and I'm not sure you want that like you say you do.

I thought about you, today.

I thought about you today, well, memories of you. They made me cry a little, and smile a little.
I got over it, after Canada then reminded me to look at myself now and look at myself then. I always forget how much better things are now, at least, for the most part.

Also, the more time passes in this year, the more I think I'll be attending Alfred State. It's not a bad college; although, it will be extremely cold. Maybe I'll learn to love the cold. (Doubted.)

Senior Class stuff seems to be clearing up again, after another mess and another outraged Ryan and Ms. H. Phew! (: Things are looking up again, toodaloo :3

EEEEEE!

February 4th creeps closer and closer! And with that I only get more excited!
Whomever reads this, you have no idea how happy I am about finally gettin' some ink!

On another note, I didn't do my spanish homework. Oops. (:

All I do is win.

Once again, I'm proud to say that I placed first in my category for Region 7 competition for FBLA [Future Business Leaders of America!]. My category was Hospitality Management, which is almost a brand new category, only being created and competed in last year. Of course, I was anxious and on the edge of my seat during the name calling, and of course I freaked out when they called second place and my names still hadn't been said. Same thing as last year!

I'm being joined in states by six other people, which is very exciting! So, our percentage was 50% taken to states. If you ask me, that's pretty darn good!

Anyway, that's all for now. (:

D:

Hack my accounts again you dumb immature fucks.

Good News?

random fact: Once, while looking up Mexican recipes, I looked up Mexican drugs without realizing what I had typed. Needless to say, I laughed a bit.

And here's the good news! I cannot remember if I had acknowledged the fact that I had been accepted to Alfred State of Technology for Architecture, and also been accepted to Hartwick University for art. But I did indeed! The only other letter I am waiting on is Drexel. I want more than anything else right now to be accepted into the school. And if I do, I might cry.

That's it for now, I think! :3

I'll hold my head high.

Your words are mean, there is no doubt about that.
But my heart is stronger, stronger than you'd ever imagine.
and my smile? Will shine brighter than you've ever seen.

You've got nothing against me.
Hit me with what you've got.
I'm not afraid anymore.

New Year, New Me?

Nope. For once, I'm content with what I'm doing, and who I am. I'm finally becoming happy again, and it's great! 2011 held hard times, sure. But I've hear that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger in the end. I've got some amazing friends, and some pretty awesome family. I love all the people who helped me get where I am today, even the ones who aren't involved in my life anymore.

Furthermore, 2012 should be an interesting and eventful year! I'm excited to see what this new year holds for me. It's the year I go out on my own, it's got to hold some fascinating events. And people! (:

-checkin' out for this year, see you next year :3

Merry Christmas

It's that wonderful day of the year.
Just sayin' this year, was amazing!
and it's not even the end of the day yet! (:

I have this thing for Mermaids

I have this huge liking for mermaids. They fascinate me! These two are on the inside of my sketchbook that I was given last Christmas.


Here's another:

He was done quite awhile ago this year, but I still favor him, as he is my only Merman!

It's been so long!

First of all, whomever reads this, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Or you know, Happy Holidays! I'm really not feeling the Christmas feeling this year - there is no snow yet and it is already the 21st of December!

On another note, there is a new year coming, and I cannot wait. It makes me laugh! It's a New Year, but not a me! I'm good with where I'm at right now, even though I'm super busy. Senior year is kicking my butt, but I'm loving every second of it. There's a lot going on in this new year, I'm getting a tattoo, I'm going to North Carolina with a bunch of other seniors (hopefully), I'm graduating, I turn 18, and I start a brand new life at college! Whoop!

I still haven't decided which college I'm going to yet, but I also still haven't gotten anything back from Drexel. Here's to hoping! (:


It's almost the New Year and
I"ll drink to that!

Homecoming pictures.

I thought homecoming pictures would be fun to share.
1: King and Queen :3
2: Everyone who won on court
3: Sexy and we know it? (:

Oh my! (:

February 4th, please come quickly! Looking forward to the tattoo, not the pain. Purple orchids, yellow key. I'm horribly excited for this!

And this, is what I miss terribly:

Iwastesomuchtime.

Epic Awesome? Right here!

Another cute site? Click here!

For the witty? Let's be grouchy rabbits!

It's been rough, but it's getting better. Thanking God for these times, they only make me stronger <3

Happy Halloween! This is just a little something I edited up for a contest on Deviant Art. Go visit my page!


Boo!

Visited Drexel.

AND OH MY GOOD GOSH! I adore the campus, even if it is in Philly! The great news: is that I fell in love with Drexel University. The dreadful news: They only accept 28 students into the architecture program. Even better news: I cannot wait to receive an acceptance letter! (I'm just going on gut feeling - this is where I'm supposed to spend thousands of dollars to get educated!) I cannot express how much I want to be a Dragon! And shucks, their colors are the same as my good ol' high school. Blue and Gold FTW. Another downside is that it is four and a half hours away from home, and every single one of my friends; however, they ought to be going to college, as well!

Some more excellent news: My best friend may be staying with me over Christmas Break (Which will be quite exciting). I might go visit with her to Liberty to see her boyfriend and my dear friend sometime before the end of the year, and perhaps we will both go down to visit our recently moved friend. In the meantime, I'm working on a portrait of a very majestic Great Blue Heron for my mother, since that happens to be her favorite bird ( I think I mentioned once to her that if I had to be a bird, I would be a GBH, because I am very awkward and clumsy, but possibly majestic). Time to get back to homework, essay writing and cleaning!

College Visit!

I'm going to visit Drexel this weekend. I'm super scared. But excited! Hoping everything goes well there, you know? I can't believe that I'm actually thinking about going to college, it feels like I just started elementary school yesterday.

Geesh!

Two thumbs and was Homecoming Queen?

This girl, right here. I'll post some sort of picture later.
Hurrah, spirit week is finally over, and sadly soccer is almost over as well. Speaking of spirit week, I have never personally seen Williamson High School look so boss as it did Friday morning! (Even if other grades tore down our decorations)

In other news, I'm painting a Great Blue Heron for my mother, because she loves watching them on the river from a bedroom window. I think it'll go well. AND! I finally applied to college(s). Now I'm only praying that I'll be accepted.

That's all for now, nothing much else to say. (:

Some Interesting Things...?

I can't believe I worked during iMatter this year! Uhg. In any case, working equals money, and that equals gas in my car! School starts next Wednesday for me, as I've already previously stated.

In any case, guys and gals, I'm quite devastated that I don't have an art class this year, but don't doubt me, I will get my art in! Here's another piece of art I've done:

Yea, it's originally titled "Elephant in Red"

Here's another artistic task I took on this year, painting on my bedroom walls! :



I have this thing for cherry trees, and I couldn't resist putting them on my walls! Luckily, my father didn't try and kill me afterwards.

Mixed Feelings.

My last first day of High School is fast approaching, and I won't lie to you, I am totally unprepared. I'm not ready to face getting up, every day, and hearing the drama that pulses through our tiny school. On top of that? I'm dreading the fact that this is my last year. My senior year. I'm already so busy with soccer, and being class president that I don't know how I'm going to handle school work! On a better note, I recently discovered that my class ranking is 6 out of 115 students, and I'm quite proud of myself!

This is mostly total nonsense for most of you, and I highly doubt anyone will read this - but it helps, writing out feelings. I think, if I had to pick a feeling from 1- 10, I'd be a 7. 1 standing for "I'm completely chill with going back to school for my last year" and 10 being "I'M SO FREAKING FREAKED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND RIGHT NOW". So, I guess that means I'm a "I'm slightly terrified that everything that could go wrong...will."

In the mean time, I drew an interesting picture. I will share it with you:


"Octo Lady" because, well, she has tentacles as hair.

That's all for now!

I love who?

I love who?
Is it you, the boy, with the long hair,
living without any care,
in the world?
or is it you, the boy, with the country smile,
who's eyes are as wild,
as the winding roads.
I love who?
is it you, my parents, who love,
unconditionally.
or is it my best friend,
who loves me despite my flaws.
I love who?
is it myself, who cannot see past
the reflective mirror on my wall?
or is it the people who showed me,
the way through this twisted lifestyle,
I see?